I've been thinking about the situations life presents us with. I've been thinking about all the people who fill our days....at work, at home, as part of our extended network of family and friends. It would be oh so nice...if life were always harmonious...if everyone always agreed and got along. That's not how it always works. I actually searched all of my pictures to find one of someone who was not looking happy...and I really didn't have much success. I guess those aren't the Kodak moments I want to capture. I finally settled on this one...of Alyssa who was getting a little tired of giving her uncle his back rub.
Alyssa and I talk frequently about how to cope when people annoy you....when they do things that get on your nerves, or maybe they are rude. Or maybe you just plain disagree with them...or don't approve of their actions or choices. It happens...all the time. I tend to let stuff go a bit easier than Alyssa...who lets stuff get to her. So we talk a lot about what is important in life....and not letting the annoying little details get you down. We talk about recognizing that the people and our relationship with them is what is important...and not losing sight of that.
The best advice I ever received went something like this: love is a choice, everyday you have to choose to keep loving....when things aren't going well, when people are least loveable. I have to admit to you here, that this advice was given to me at my bridal shower...by my dear friend and maid-of-honor. Unfortunately, the marriage didn't go the distance...but it did last for quite awhile. And in many ways....following that guidance, has helped us to get to a better relationship today...and get past someof the hurt and ugliness.
I have found this advice to be so wise and true. There are many times when people are just plain unloveable. They are disagreeable, cranky, rude, selfish, stubborn.... I stop and consciously think sometimes that this too will pass. That my relationship with them will survive this day and this moment. If I want to have a healthy relationship...I need to move past it with as little drama as possible....with acceptance and forgiveness. I'm not saying that is easy. I'm not saying that I have perfected that. But I do believe it is something to aspire to. So often I will listen to someone tell me about a family incident, or an incident with a coworker or neighbor. We get so hurt by what was said or not said or should have been said. We get so hurt when people don't meet our expectations...because they are just themselves....and human.
I tell my kids all the time....go ahead ask them.....ALL THE TIME... I tell them that now when you live under the same roof, you disagree, you fight, but you have to get over it because you all have to function in this place. But there will come a time, as you grow up and lead separate lives, that you will disagree, you won't understand where the other is coming from. You won't understand the other's lives and choices. You'll be annoyed sometimes. And at those times you have to ask yourself what is more important. Is it more important that you win? Is it more important that you are the one who is right? Or is it more important to let it go and have a relationship with your sibling? Obviously, I believe the answer is the latter. We all get on each others nerves sometimes.....but I think we have to be kind and forgiving and realize that we all in live in this space together...and being family or friends or whatever...is more important that whatever may cause us to not.
So that's my message at the end of the day. Take a few minutes to let the junk go, and remember that what is important is usually a who....and all the other stuff can be let go and worked out. And by living that way, I am pretty sure .....when it comes to the very end of all our days, we will have far fewer regrets.
"What I've come to learn is that the world is never saved in grand messianic gestures, but in the simple accumulation of gentle, soft, almost invisible acts of compassion."
~ Chris Abani
~ Chris Abani
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