Grandma

Here is my Grandma Allers looking younger than I ever remember seeing her.  I loved her with everything in me...and I still do.  There was something about her spirit.  She was a child at heart....deep down.  Despite all that she had been through in her life, she laughed and had fun and enjoyed life.  She had this spirit that would not let anything get her down.  She had a heart condition, and I remember visiting her in the hospital so many times growing up.  We would go to her house to check on her the day after she had been released and when we couldn't find her anywhere, we would head out to the garden.  And there she was working in the garden, smiling as if nothing had happened.

I have been told by some in my family that I remind them a lot of her.....my spirit, my personality, my gestures, my reactions.....and I could be payed no higher compliment.  I was 21 when she passed, but I think of her always.  She will always be so much a part of who I am.

Today is her birthday and I think of her and miss her still after all these years.

“Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone.” 

~ Mitch Albom

Remembering Poppa

On this day....and so many others....we remember Poppa and all he was to so many people.  And the memories often evoke a tear...as we think of the loss of him in our lives.  But mostly we smile when we think of all the good times and all the love he always shared with us. And we are always so thankful for the time we got to have him in our lives.

“When someone is in your heart, they're never truly gone. They can come back to you, even at unlikely times.” 

~ Mitch Albom

Rain

“Rain makes the night -- and us -- smaller, softer, more forthright.” 

~ Rob Kalin

Long day

It has been a long day....an exhausting day.  It has been filled with things that have gone right, people have worked together, lifted each other up, bonded.  It has been filled with frustrating things, things I don't understand, things that confuse me, things that I need to understand...but perhaps never will.

Every part of me aches with exhaustion as I sit here dreaming about how very nice my bed is going to feel when I collapse in it...really soon.  But first, I need to let go of this day and all the things that went wrong that I keep replaying in my head.  Of course, it is always the things that went wrong that stay with me.  I'm not sure why that is.  There were definitely things that went right...people that I am so thankful for at the end of each day.  And today is gone, I need to accept that there is not any thing more I can do with it....and let it go.

Tomorrow I will rest, I will try to find relaxation amidst the to-do list I have created for myself.  I will be still and regain my center, my peace.  When Monday comes, I will go out into the world once again, with a smile in my soul and a song in my heart and I will once again try to be a force of light and love in a sometimes bleak and confusing world.

But right now, it is time for me to no longer dwell in today. It is time for me to put it away and let it go.  It is time to rest and rediscover my strength, fortitude and hope for tomorrow.

“Go back?" he thought. "No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!" So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter.” 

~ J.R.R. Tolkien

20 years of a special brand of magic

This is my nephew Andrew.  And today he is 20!!   It seems like just yesterday his smiling-always-up-to something face would greet us at family functions!!  Actually, now that I think of it, some things have not changed that much!!   There is not usually a dull moment when he is around, because he has his own brand of weird-sense-of-humor....that seems to be genetic.  There has always been something about him...an energy that you feel in his presence.  There is always something missing when he is not around.  So today I celebrate the magic that is and always has been Andrew.  He makes life a happy place to be...even when he is at his most annoying.....and he can be annoying, because he is a guy that is descended from my brother, and brothers, by definition, are usually super annoying....everyone knows that.  He inspires me with his photography and his way of looking at life and his easy ability to interact with just about anyone he meets.....and so much more.

I am wishing Andrew a phenomenal 20th year of life!!  I wish him so many wonderful opportunities this year.  I wish him special people to walk along side him as he follows his path.  It is my wish today that he always believe in the magic that is Andrew.  It is my wish that he always believe in his dreams and his ability to make them come true!!

“Magic is believing in yourself, if you can do that, you can make anything happen.” 

~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

My baby boy

I miss this little guy....but sometimes I still catch glimpses of him!

“And I learned what is obvious to a child. That life is simply a collection of little lives, each lived one day at a time. That each day should be spent finding beauty in flowers and poetry and talking to animals. That a day spent with dreaming and sunsets and refreshing breezes cannot be bettered.” 

~ Nicholas Sparks

If I could turn back time....

“The most beautiful moments always seemed to accelerate and slip beyond one’s grasp just when you want to hold onto them for as long as possible.” 

~ E.A. Bucchianeri

Day is done

“Come tomorrow, I'll wake up new.” 

~ Chad Sugg

Home

It was nice while it lasted....having all three kids under one roof  for a few days.....and what a whirlwhind few days it was...performances of  Alex's school musical, birthday lunches, goodbyes....and now Alex and I are exhausted, but back to our old routine.  And though they are gone...memories were made, and we are looking forward to the next time we will all be together again.

“I'd come to see that home wasn't just about the place where you lived or the memories within the walls. It was the love you saw reflected in the eyes of the people around you, and the strength of your own feelings that made a place home.” 

~ R.E. Butler

Proud of my boy

I am so proud of Alex in his last middle school production, The Little Mermaid.  I am constantly amazed at how he's grown in so many ways over these past few years.  I am so very proud of my boy!!

"You don't raise heroes, you raise sons.  And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes."  

~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.

Birthdays!!

Birthdays!! I've always loved them...  I have loved celebrating other people, making a cake, celebrating another year of life of a loved one.  I always loved my own birthday.  But then, I'm not sure what happened.  The number of years being celebrated seemed to be getting so large.  At one point, I didn't feel like there was much worth celebrating.....I didn't feel I was where I should be in life, life wasn't exactly going as planned.

Today I turned 56 (gulp).  I woke up and got out of the house earlier than usual, as I had to drive Alex to school this morning to prepare for a morning performance of his school musical.  It was a beautiful morning!!  The sun was shining, the air smelled like spring and I was truly thankful to have a day like that for my birthday.  I declared that this year was going to be every bit as beautiful as this day.  I have received birthday messages from friends and family through social media, cards, texts... and some people have spent a piece of my day with me.   I have thought about all the people wishing me well or trying to add joy to the day...and I realize it is not such a small thing.  The truth is I seem to be getting older, and I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore,and everything hurts....but that doesn't matter as much as all the amazing blessings I have in my life.

So, I start off this next year with my face toward the sun.  I know that  there will be stumbling blocks.  I know that not every day will be a dream.  But I am going to venture forth and believe that life is going to get better and better.....for me and my family.  I am so rich with the blessings that are truly important!!

So, this weekend, I will celebrate another year of ups and downs and good and bad, and struggles and successes....with my family who hangs in there through it all.  I will vow to make this year the best it can be and to keep on trying to be the best me I can be.

“And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.”

~ Abraham Lincoln

A cup of tea

I took a personal day from work today to spend some time with Alyssa while she was home.  We both slept in and then my 19 year old baby girl, came and jumped on my bed declaring it was "Mommy and Alyssa bonding day".   I had planned to take this day, so that we would have a little time together.  We were feeling especially celebratory since Alyssa has secured an internship for herself this summer.  This is very exciting news and certainly worth a special celebration!!

We took a ride out to Millerton, NY where there is a Harney and sons Tea shop.  We had lunch at the cafe and Alyssa tried some teas and stocked up on her favorites to get through the rest of the semester.  Alyssa loves tea!! She just loves it.  I find this quiet amusing, because to me one tea is pretty much the same as the rest.  We were discussing the fact that tea has become a thing.....and has increased in popularity.  Tea, we decided is one of those things that can't be rushed.  It is for relaxing, for long talks with those close to you.  Tea is as much about the experience as the actual taste.

Maybe we all....maybe especially me, always rushing from here to there with a beverage that I drink through a straw....need to stop and sit down for a cup of tea...especially with someone we love.  I'm not sure I will ever feel as passionate about tea as Alyssa does, but maybe if I stopped to have a cup of tea more often....I would be able to notice beauty and love in the world that I hadn't seen before.

“If you are cold, tea will warm you;

if you are too heated, it will cool you;

If you are depressed, it will cheer you;

If you are excited, it will calm you.” 

~ William Ewart Gladstone

What the world needs now.....

I wish I understood why we can't all embrace and love each other.  In theory it sounds easy enough. I wish I undersood why we insist on playing games with each other, just can't seem to accept each other and why so much of life is turned into power struggles.  I wish I understood why it is so hard to be kind to each other.  The way we all treat each other sometimes just seems like a waste of time.

These are all theoretical musings really, and I know that there are many situations, motivations, emotions, theories....  But, sometimes it just frustrates me.

Tonight, I vow that I will strive to understand, accept, uplift, embrace, reach out and love.  There are people that I find unlovable....I will try harder with them.  There are situations that seem to be almost impossible.....I will try to be the one that spreads harnony and not discord.  There are times that I don't see the other side....I will try be empathetic.  Because in the end, it all becomes ridiculous.  I would not want to walk this earth alone.  I believe that my life is made rich because of the special people whose paths cross mine.  I will try to find something worth loving in every one I meet.  The truth of the matter is that we all have a story. We all have joy and pain in some measure.  We all deserve to be heard and cared for.  If nothing else, at the very least....we can be kind and gentle with each other.

I will endeavor to be a force of love because I believe the meaning of life lies in our giving to others.  I will be kind.  I will stumble...but I will get back up and keep trying...because life without love and the kindness and caring is simply to frightening to even imagine.

"We restore the holiness of the world through our loving-kindness and compassion.  Everyone participates.  It is a collective task.  Every act of loving-kindness, no matter how great or small, repairs the world.

All those ever born have shared this collective work since the beginning of time."

~ Rachel Naomi Remen

Prayers of Thanks

I have been down for the count for a few days with the virus that has been spreading fast and furiously through these parts.  I think that I don't really appreciate the gift of health until I don't have it.  I think that is the way with so many of us.  We get up and we rush into the day and one of the last things we give thanks for is that we are physically able to do all that rushing about.

As I am aging, I have developed my share of aches and pains and unwanted medical conditions.  But, I do  give thanks that I am able to be active and go out to work each day and lead a full life without any major health issues.  I see people....amazing people every day who are in health compromised conditions.  I need to look at them more closely and realize all that they have to deal with.  But today I was reminded of how tenuous our health can be.  I was reminded that there are debilitiating diseases, terminal diseases that change our life forever.

And so tonight, even though I am only feeling about 90 %...I know this because Alex thinks in terms of computer lingo and asks me frequently about what percentage I feel I am operating at... I say a prayer of thanks for my health. I say a prayer of thanks for the health of all those I love.  I say a prayer of thanks for the continued presence on this earth....in my life....of some truly amazing people.  I say a prayer of healing for all those who are ill or in pain.  I say a prayer that no matter what the state of our health, we all able to say a prayer of thanks for all that we have been given in this life.

And tonight I also say a prayer of thanks for the positive spirit, for the spirit of hope and belief and perserverance....for the spirit of faith during trying times.  I give thanks for the spirit of gratitude and the ability to look to the sky and find something beautiful and breathtaking for which to give thanks......and the faith that those prayers of thanks, of hope and healing will float to the place where they will be heard.

“If the only prayer you said was thank you, that would be enough.” 

~ Meister Eckhart

Life Struggles

O thou child of many prayers! Life hath quicksands; life hath snares!

~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I am thinking of my girls tonight.  Each of them are growing into adulthood in their own way.  They are learning that it isn't as glamorous as it might have seemed.  They are learing that life has detours, obstacles, pitfalls, snares.  They are learning that sometimes disappointments and frustrations seem more the rule than the exception.  They feel alone at times, scared, uncertain.  There are decisions to be made, problems to be solved, opportunities to be taken and paths to be left alone.  There are diamonds that sparkle...but turn out to be fake, and diamonds in the rough that need their polish to shine.  It is all so confusing.  It's hard to make sense of it all.

As a mom, I just want to scoop them up and hold them tight and make it all go away.....those moments of uncertainty, of sadness.  As I tried to lift Cara's spirits recently, she said " You're not making me feel any better."  Sadly, I am not able to hug and kiss away all of life's dark moments anymore.  And sometimes, as they will both learn, it is only time and experience and their own resolve that can do that.

I hope they will be able to reflect on the events of their days, their lives and see it as it is....one moment, even though at times it seems so much more profound.  I hope they will give it time, mourn over the sadness that creeps in and then move on.  I hope they will have the strength to put one foot in front of the other, to dust themselves off and get right back up again.  I hope they will have the resolve to always find another solution and not let life's stumbling blocks get the best of them.  I hope they will live life, and rejoice over the good and not just see the bad.

Life is beautiful, but it can also be scary and ugly.  I hope they always choose to look toward the light and turn their back on the darkness.


“My Dear Son,
I am so very proud of you. Now, as you embark on a new journey, I'd like to share this one piece of advice. Always, always remember that - adversity is not a detour. It is part of the path.

You will encounter obstacles. You will make mistakes. Be grateful for both. Your obstacles and mistakes will be your greatest teachers. And the only way to not make mistakes in this life is to do nothing, which is the biggest mistake of all.

Your challenges, if you let them, will become your greatest allies. Mountains can crush or raise you, depending on which side of the mountain you choose to stand on. All history bears out that the great, those who have changed the world, have all suffered great challenges. And, more times than not it's precisely those challenges that, in God's time, lead to triumph.

Abhor victimhood. Denounce entitlement. Neither are gifts, rather cages to damn the soul. Everyone who has walked this earth is a victim of injustice. Everyone.

Most of all, do not be too quick to denounce your sufferings. The difficult road you are called to walk may, in fact be your only path to success.”
― Richard Paul Evans

My actor

I spent this morning helping out at the LMS rehearsal for The Little Mermaid which will be put on at LaGrange Middle School next weekend.  So proud of my actor....King Triton.

"You got your own style, now let it come through. And remember no matter what, you got to be you".

~ Sebastian (The Little Mermaid)

Reunited

Alyssa  is home and we are all happy....especially her best friend Allie Cat.

“Happiness is a warm puppy.” 

~ Charles M. Schulz

Home

Tomorrow Alyssa will take a much needed break from school and come home for a week.  Alyssa is deeply connected to home and family.  No matter where her travels take her, her destination is always home. Everyone here is anxiously awaiting her arrival!!

“The ache for home lives in all of us. The safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” 

~ Maya Angelou

Remembering

As you are all aware by now...I love photographs.  The memories that they preserve are priceless.  It is amazing that when I look at this photo, I can hear my grandmother's voice, see her face, feel her sweet spirit. I feel the void that is in my life since she left it.  I only hope, that from where she is looking down, I am in some way making her proud.

“Nothing is really lost as long as you remember it” 

~ Ally Condie

A beautiful day

Today was a beautiful, glorious day!! It would have been even better if I could have looked out and seen green instead of white.  But no matter....I know it is on the way.  I am so thankful for the fresh air, the sunlight and the hope this day has blessed me with!

“Set wide the window. Let me drink the day.” 

~ Edith Wharton

"Nostalgia Hits Me Like A Train"

It was Alex that was cleaning his room of little boy things, that used that phrase.  Now, as I look at my baby boy, I am the nostalgic one.  I wonder where my little boy went...and all those moments between then and now.  I wouldn't want to relive every moment...only the beautiful ones indelibly etched in my memory.

“What was our life like? I almost don't remember now. Though I remember it, the space of time it occupied. And I remember it fondly.” 

~ Richard Ford

Light!

I was so thrilled to take this photo at 6:20 tonight! There may be snow still piled high, but it will be lighter and the air will smell sweeter and spring will soon be on it's way.

"Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you."  

~Maori Proverb

Spring Ahead

It's my very favorite night of the year!! And a sure sign that spring will surely be here soon!!  Spring ahead!! We turn those clocks ahead and anticipate more light and longer days.  There may still be mountains of snow around....but I can smell it in the air....Spring is on it's way.  Be patient!! Hang in there!!  It is coming....and it is going to be wonderful!!

“Is the spring coming?" he said. "What is it like?"...

"It is the sun shining on the rain and the rain falling on the sunshine...” 

~ Frances Hodgson Burnett

Sibling Love

Oh to recapture these innocent days.....

"Siblings are the people we practice on, the people who teach us about fairness and cooperation and kindness and caring - quite often the hard way."

  ~Pamela Dugdale

Shine

“There is light in the world, and it is us!” 

~ Eliezer Yudkowsky,

Happiness is....

Happiness is....an unexpected love note from your niece....out of the blue...... when you are stressed to the max about life.  It snaps you back to what is real and what is important in life!

“How do you spell 'love'?" - Piglet

"You don't spell it...you feel it." - Pooh” 

~ A.A. Milne

Concert night

As hard as it is to drag myself out of the house on a cold winter night, as hard as it is to sit in a cafeteria in very uncomfortable chairs, as hard as it is to listen to a bunch of middle school kids....who are not your own sing and play....  It's all worth it when your own comes on stage.  And all of the sudden 'nostalgia hits you like a train' to paraphrase my middle school musician.  I am looking at him on stage, thinking that he doesn't clean up bad....and thinking of that sweet little boy he used to be.  And at the same time, thinking of all he has ahead of him....the good, but also the challenging, because that is life.  And I look at him, and he makes me laugh at all he is....but I am proud.

“We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.” 

~ Arthur O'Shaughnessy

Miss these days

“Upon the lips of babes asleep I saw light embracing light and so allowed my syllables to rest there as a prayer they might sing in their dreams...” 

~ Aberjhani

Family memories

What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life - to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories.  

~George Eliot

Good Night

"The best bridge between despair and hope is a good night's sleep."

  ~E. Joseph Cossman