Christmas

“It comes every year and will go on forever. And along with Christmas belong the keepsakes and the customs. Those humble, everyday things a mother clings to, and ponders, like Mary in the secret spaces of her heart.” 

~ Marjorie Holmes

Believe

“At one time, most of my friends could hear the bell, but as years passed, it fell silent for all of them. Even Sarah found one Christmas that she could no longer hear its sweet sound. Though I've grown old, the bell still rings for me, as it does for all who truly believe.” 

~ Chris Van Allsburg

Christmas past

As much as I love my 15 year old....there is a part of me that misses this 10 year old little guy!!

“When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things - not the great occasions - give off the greatest glow of happiness.” 

~ Bob Hope

Christmas....

“Christmas is like candy; it slowly melts in your mouth sweetening every taste bud, making you wish it could last forever.” 

~ Richelle E. Goodrich

Enjoying the lights

We finally got to see the ERDAJT holiday light display.....just a beautiful sight to behold.

“Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful. ” 

~ Norman Vincent Peale

Sibling love

The only thing that seems to have changed over time, is Alex's reaction to love from his sisters. I pray that as time marches forward he will realize the gift that it is.   I am so thankful that these three love each other...most days.

"The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another’s desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together."

 ~Erma Bombeck

12 -13 -14 -15!

It seems like just yesterday I was holding my baby boy in my arms.  It seems like just yesterday, he was new and we were the only ones awake in the wee hours of the morning and my sleep deprived mind was wandering all sorts of places while I tried to get him back to sleep and I somehow realized that in the year 2014, Alex's birthdate would be 12-13-14...and he would be 15!!  And today was it!!

15! It hardly seems possible.  I have often said that Alex has been my most challenging child to raise.  Every child has it's challenges, but I got through the raising of the girls, pretty much unscathed.  They are girls, I was a girl...I get where they are coming from, the things that they like, what makes them tick.  But this boy that I was given....was just absolutely alien to me...his whole way of looking at life, his activity level, his way of thinking...the attitudes and choices that he made...all of it has been absolutely foreign to me.

Alex hasn't been what some would call the typical "boy"...not a big sports fan, he loved technology and sci-fi/fantasy at an early age.  He loved to build things and if I had a penny for every lego piece I have stepped on in his life, I would be a rich woman, indeed.

He's been high-strung, yet funny and perceptive with an amazing vocabulary...yet doing well in school has rarely been the priority.  He has given me more than a few anxious moments...

But at 15, I see signs of maturity....of responsibility.  I see him taking things seriously, I listen to the things he is interested in, his plans for the future, the issues that concern him.  I watch him interacting with others.  He is a little socially awkward, but what kid isn't these days....he's smart, perceptive, intuitive, witty...and he is still a monster in the morning, and he still procrastinates and he still has attitudes at precisely the wrong moment...but he's getting there.  Little by little I see him trying things and stepping outside of his comfort level and growing....and there it is......a light at the end of the tunnel.

And as that light grows brighter, so will the reality that he will be growing up and moving on with his own life...my baby.  So for now, I'll enjoy him being 15 and being too funny for his own good, and computer crazed.  I'll enjoy the activities he becomes involved with, and the people that are part of his life....and I'll enjoy all the amazing things about him....and continue to help him work on those rough edges...and I'll love him so much....and I'll be amazingly proud...although there will be days I will have to remind myself of these feelings.  But I won't wish it away....because all too soon....he'll be all grown up.

“Growing up is hard, love. Otherwise everyone would do it.” 

~ Kim Harrison

tomorrow

This little guy turns 15 tomorrow!! Don't know where the time has gone...and he's given me a few gray hairs....but I wouldn't trade him!!

"Every year on your birthday, you get a chance to start new."

~ Sammy Hagar

Joy

We enjoyed Alex's first high school concert....and one of  the bands played "In the Bleak Midwinter", my very favorite!!  As you can see, Alex is so thrilled that I decided I needed a photo to document the event.  I am so proud of my kids who continue to be proud of each other and support each other and bring joy to each other....most of the time.

“To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.” 

~ Mark Twain

In front of the tree...

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. 

~Larry Wilde

Dear Daddy

It's hard to believe that it's been 4 years since you left us.  It seems hard to believe that you aren't part of our life anymore.  I guess that's because you are such an integral person to who I am, to who we all are...in so many ways, that you truly are and always will be a part of me.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of something you said or did, or tell a story about you, or see a Stewarts shop, or hear a song, or see your face in your sister, or see so much of you in my son....and think of you.  Every time I enter a theatre, you are with me in spirit.  And because you are always present with me...it doesn't really seem like you are gone.

On this day, I always think of those last days...of watching you go.  I think of the guilt I still feel that you weren't able to have your dearest wish...to remain at home. I think of the pain of seeing you suffer, of the funny stories...because in our family...no matter what the occasion.....there always seems to be a touch of humor...and you did not disappoint, even at the end.  I think of the tender, almost sacred moments, when we sat with you and bid you farewell.

I think kids tend to take their parents for granted as we age.  You've always been there, we've gotten through the good times and bad times....and we move on, anxious to start our own lives in our own way.  We never stop to think of the things you sacrificed for us...of the happinesses and sadnesses in your life, of the struggles and successes.  Parents just are there...and we never question all that other stuff...because parents are a different entity than all the other people in our life...almost superhuman in some ways.  At least, I didn't question....It wasn't until I needed to start taking care of you that I gave much thought to some of the things that shaped who you were.  It wasn't until I listened to some of your disoriented ramblings that I came to know what was important to you.  I think I said at your funeral that "to know you was not to know you".  You were very complex with so many different parts of you...one never knew what you were thinking or why you were the way you were...and yet, sometimes you were so very predictable.

I don't know if you ever wondered why you were here. I don't know if you ever wondered if you would be remembered.  But you will be remembered...not because of some great and noble deed, but because you lived your life as best you could, imperfectly...as we all do.  And because you breathed pieces of yourself  into all of us...which we continue to breathe into our world.

So you will live forever in those pieces of yourself that we all continue to spread into the world.  And you live forever in those of us who loved you and carry your memory and your very presence and spirit with us throughout all our days.  Thank you for all you gave, for all those times you were there.  I miss you...but you aren't truly gone....I carry you with me each day in a million ways.

"If I loved you,

Time and again I would try to say

All I'd want you to know.

If I loved you,

Words wouldn't come in an easy way

Round in circles I'd go!

Longin' to tell you,

But afraid and shy,

I'd let my golden chances pass me by!

Soon you'd leave me,

Off you would go in the mist of day,

Never, never to know how I loved you

If I loved you"

~ Oscar Hammerstein II

Home

She's exhausted! But she made it here before the bad weather and we are all happy to have her home!

“Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire: it is the time for home.” 

~ Edith Sitwell

and the forecast is...

for more winter weather.  I am already sick of winter and it has barely started.

“December's wintery breath is already clouding the pond, frosting the pane, obscuring summer's memory...” 

~ John Geddes

Today

I am calling it a day....and what a day it's been.  Anything that could go wrong today....did go wrong.  I am feeling exhausted and beat up.  So I will lay my head down, regain my strength and resolve and I will try again tomorrow.

“Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you.” 

~ Chuck Palahniuk

Peaceful

It has taken me longer to get the tree decorated this year.  There always seem to be so many other tasks to be accomplished and only a limited amount of time and energy.  But tonight, I found some time to attend to one of my favorite parts....the tree.  It's done for tonight...but not totally done yet.  Still, there is not much I enjoy in life more than sitting in front of the Christmas tree feeling peaceful and blessed.

“Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful. ” 

~ Norman Vincent Peale

Family

Some of the very dearest people to me are in this photo.  I look at them and I see all that is beautiful in the world shining out of them and I think of the times we have spent together and I realize how truly blessed I am.

"And thank you for a house full of people I love. Amen. "

~Terri Guillemets

Adventure

There aren't many events in our life that don't end up becoming some kind of crazy adventure.  I am so thankful that I have had such great adventures with these three.

“I know not all that may be coming, but be it what it will, I'll go to it laughing.” 

` Herman Melville

Thankful

It has been my custom to post something I am thankful for each day in November.  Unfortunately, my gratitude posts were cut short this year, due to a nor'easter and some heavy wet snow coming to town and  taking with it my power, heat, phone, internet and sense of humor.  We survived the ordeal, and are happy to have all those things that had been lost restored.  I remain thankful...perhaps even more so, as I realize how difficult life is without many of the comforts that technology has added to my life, which I just take for granted.

In spite of the snow, which I never look forward to....never welcome....we were able to enjoy a wonderful Thanksgiving with my precious family....it is one that may go down in the history books for various reasons...but I feel like just about all of our celebrations are memorable for one crazy reason or another.

I spent a wonderful afternoon and evening with family and yet...I was constantly consulting the Central Hudson website.  Should I have been more present....less anxious? Certainly the amount of times I checked the website had no bearing on how soon my power was restored?  Should I have trusted that all would be ok?  These are things I will ponder to prepare myself for the next crisis I am faced with.

But of one thing I am sure...that I am blessed....with amazing family with crazy senses of humor that make any situation so much fun;  that I am blessed by 3 wonderful children who are there with me through whatever it is we need to get through;  that I am blessed by friends such as one who invited me to her house to use her ipad to try and get some Christmas shopping done;  that  I am blessed by friends and co workers who make life a smile and that I am blessed by an imperfect life which is often a struggle, which is often confusing and exhausting...but that most days, I wouldn't trade.

“Be thankful for your allotment in an imperfect world.  Though better circumstances can be imagined, far worse are nearer misses than you probably care to realize.” 

~ Richelle E. Goodrich