It's hard to believe that it's been 4 years since you left us. It seems hard to believe that you aren't part of our life anymore. I guess that's because you are such an integral person to who I am, to who we all are...in so many ways, that you truly are and always will be a part of me. Not a day goes by that I don't think of something you said or did, or tell a story about you, or see a Stewarts shop, or hear a song, or see your face in your sister, or see so much of you in my son....and think of you. Every time I enter a theatre, you are with me in spirit. And because you are always present with me...it doesn't really seem like you are gone.
On this day, I always think of those last days...of watching you go. I think of the guilt I still feel that you weren't able to have your dearest wish...to remain at home. I think of the pain of seeing you suffer, of the funny stories...because in our family...no matter what the occasion.....there always seems to be a touch of humor...and you did not disappoint, even at the end. I think of the tender, almost sacred moments, when we sat with you and bid you farewell.
I think kids tend to take their parents for granted as we age. You've always been there, we've gotten through the good times and bad times....and we move on, anxious to start our own lives in our own way. We never stop to think of the things you sacrificed for us...of the happinesses and sadnesses in your life, of the struggles and successes. Parents just are there...and we never question all that other stuff...because parents are a different entity than all the other people in our life...almost superhuman in some ways. At least, I didn't question....It wasn't until I needed to start taking care of you that I gave much thought to some of the things that shaped who you were. It wasn't until I listened to some of your disoriented ramblings that I came to know what was important to you. I think I said at your funeral that "to know you was not to know you". You were very complex with so many different parts of you...one never knew what you were thinking or why you were the way you were...and yet, sometimes you were so very predictable.
I don't know if you ever wondered why you were here. I don't know if you ever wondered if you would be remembered. But you will be remembered...not because of some great and noble deed, but because you lived your life as best you could, imperfectly...as we all do. And because you breathed pieces of yourself into all of us...which we continue to breathe into our world.
So you will live forever in those pieces of yourself that we all continue to spread into the world. And you live forever in those of us who loved you and carry your memory and your very presence and spirit with us throughout all our days. Thank you for all you gave, for all those times you were there. I miss you...but you aren't truly gone....I carry you with me each day in a million ways.
"If I loved you,
Time and again I would try to say
All I'd want you to know.
If I loved you,
Words wouldn't come in an easy way
Round in circles I'd go!
Longin' to tell you,
But afraid and shy,
I'd let my golden chances pass me by!
Soon you'd leave me,
Off you would go in the mist of day,
Never, never to know how I loved you
If I loved you"
~ Oscar Hammerstein II
<3
ReplyDelete