My loves

"You are always in my thoughts.  When you were little I knew your whereabouts at any given moment.  Now that you are.... off on your own, I still always know where you are, because I keep you in my heart"

~ Elizabeth Berg

"I sometimes wake in the early morning & listen to the soft breathing of my child & I think to myself, this is the one thing I will never regret & I carry that quiet with me all day long"

~ Brian Andreas

Someone who inspires me

I was texting back and forth with Sharon today as we were working out the transporting of our sons from play practice.  We had begun texting before I left for work.  So on my way to work, I started thinking about her and what an amazing person she is.  We first met when her Libby and my Alyssa became friends in the 2nd grade,  They were best friends for many years, and shared years in the marching band.  The Warman family will always be so dear to Alyssa.  As luck would have it.  We also have another pair of kids the same age.

Sharon is one of those people;  I just sit back and look at all she does and I just can't believe all that she is involved in...and I often wonder how she does it all.  She is a ray of sunshine, always positive, always has a smile on her face, always appears to go with the flow, always laughing.  She's a scrapbooker...another way we connect... and has sold Creative Memories.  She inspires me to keep up with that hobby, she inspires me to photograph and design and to preserve our precious memories.

We were both  marching band parents and I would marvel at her involvement, energy and ideas.  I know she is involved in a bunch of organizations...and she is a speech pathologist by day.  She has 3 fantastic kids, a strong marriage, and a close knit family.  She is super woman.  When I talk to her, I always feel more grounded when I am done.  I know she has saved my life by helping transport Alex back and forth this year.  

I just started thinking today about what an amazing person she is, how much she accomplishes...what a beautiful spirit she has.  I am honored to know her....and she inspires me to be a better person.  I am pretty sure that there is some phone booth somewhere that she goes in to hide her superhero regalia.  I count myself so fortunate to have had the honor to know her!!

"It is good to love many things, for therein lies the true stength, and whoever loves performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is well done"

~ Vincent Van Gogh

Longing for the sea

 Those who know me, know that I have quite a connection with water. I love to be near the water. Water soothes me and comforts me.  No place on earth however touches my soul like being by the ocean.  I try to get there whenever I can.  The smell, the breeze, the sand beneath my feet, the roar of the waves.....It touches me in a spiritual way and renews my sense of purpose.  I find myself longing for the sea tonight, as I look out at the snow and hear reports of  cold weather on the way.  Just looking at this photo is calming to me.  Tomorrow, in times of stress....which I can guarantee will present themselves, I will hold this image in my mind....and imagine the sights and sounds and sensations....and I will smile just knowing that a place like this exists in the world.  It really is such a beautiful world, when we stop and look around.

" The waves of the sea help me get back to me"

~ Jill Davis

Sisters by chance, Friends by choice

I don't know what has possessed me, but I have been on a mission to clean and organize.   It is truly not normal for me, and I am even starting to scare myself.  In the process, I ran across this photo...which I just love and thought I would share it tonight.

Those of you who know my family know that each of my children is unique unto themselves.  They are truly their own person.  The girls especially...are just so different in so many ways.  I am so happy that I gave birth to a pair of sisters.  I never had a sister.  I have two brothers that I love dearly, but I think the relationship with a sister is different.  When the girls were small and growing up, I heard all sorts of testimonials about sister relationships from just about everyone with a sister.  They ranged from sentiments such as  "they are your very best friend in the world" to "they are the worst possible thing that could ever happen".  As they were growing up, I hoped that my girls would have the sister relationship that I had always longed for.  As they grew, they went through different stages of  getting along or not getting along.  I prayed that when they grew up they would always find the other to be that person that could be counted on to be there.

As the story goes, when I was in the hospital giving birth to Alyssa, Cara was having a huge tantrum screaming "I don't want to be a big sister, I want mommy".  This is hysterical to me, because, in general, Cara has always been pretty even tempered...and really didn't have many tantrums at all.  Now Alyssa....that was a different story.  One short year later, I was explaining to Cara that we would be taking Alyssa to the hospital in the morning to have tubes put in her ears, with the hope that she wouldn't get so many darned ear infections.  I explained, that the Dr would give her a medicine that would make her sleep and when she was asleep they would put the tubes in and then she would wake up and we would bring her home.  Cara did not like this.  "Mommy, I don't like the idea of that medicine that makes her go to sleep. Please don't let the doctor give her that medicine."  The next morning we went accompanied by Cara's very favorite doll to watch over her sister.

When Alyssa has had some difficulties this past year, Cara was her protector.  Anyone causing Alyssa any distress would have to answer to Cara. When one of them is feeling down or stressed or excited there is usually a phone call or extended text to the other.  In spite of how different they are, no one really understands them like their sister.  They get irritated with each other sometimes, but it doesn't matter and never lasts long.  They have a bond that is stronger than whatever little annoyance may get in the way.  They are each other's best cheerleaders, counselors, sidekick.  They are the partners in crime, shopping, singing....    Now that they are both away, when they both arrive home, there is excited talk amongst all of us, news is shared etc,  But there comes a time at which point I must vacate.  They get beyond silly, I can make no sense out of what they are saying, the laughter gets to a pitch and frenzy that drives me crazy...but they are tickled at themselves...and they just keep egging each other on....dizzy in their own little euphoria.

At the end of my days....this will be one of the things that I am proudest of....that they....that all three of my kids do truly love each other,  that they came out of family life and growing up...not wanting to get the heck out.  but that they can't wait to come back.  I am so thankful that my girls have the sister relationship that I dreamed of.   I have found that sister relationship, by having them.

"Sister.  She is your mirror shining back at you with a world of possibilities,  She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway.  She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink.  Some days she's the reason you wish you were an only child."
~ Barbara Alpert

Stop Time

Well, both the girls have gone to school, and Alex and I are trying to go back to our routine.  I am exhausted,  I must have been channeling Alyssa today, because I was running around cleaning and cooking and crossing things off that to do list like I had a magic wand.  I was all kinds of productive and now I am all kinds of exhausted.  There has been a little talk about inclement weather...it doesn't seem likely, but tomorrow would be a good day to sleep in.

I look at this photo and I just wish sometimes that I could stop time for a little while.  I wish I could just freeze these moments......so I could enjoy the kids as they are now. Life seems to change so fast...all of life.  The world is always turning, always evolving,  We are always evolving.   Relationships are always evolving.  I often wish that I could just stop the process once in awhile, so that I could just take it all in....so that I could just really enjoy it...my life...my world.  The times are few...if they exist at all when we really just stop to sit back and take it all in.  There is always something else in the back of our mind...something that calls our attention to yesterday or tomorrow.  It would be such a gift to just stop time so we could just pause in the here and now...just to sit and take in the world around us...all we are blessed with...for a few moments...before everything started moving again.

Since that is not a possibility.  Tomorrow I will try to look at everything...my kids, my coworkers. the same old scenery on the way to work with a new appreciation for what makes up the every day of my life.  I will be thankful for where I am.and who I am with....and who I am.  I will try so very hard to spend a couple of moments in the present...not thinking about what was or what will be...but simply taking a moment to be in the now.  I will breathe it in...I will be thankful for it and I will vow to do it more often.

"There are only two ways to live your life.  One is as though nothing is a miracle.  The other is as though everything is a miracle"

~Albert Einstein 

Alyssa heads back

Alyssa is heading back to school in the morning after a much needed 6 week break.  She will miss the comfort of home, and all her furry friends.  I will miss her.  But I am so proud of what she has accomplished, at how she has grown, at who she is becoming...  Though neither of us are quite ready for her to walk out that door, I have lived through it with Cara and I  know we will get through this hurdle, we will jump back into our routines...and before long we will be together again.  

I am so thankful for my family, which like most is not without it's struggles, but I am thankful that we enjoy being with each other, constantly have news for each other, laugh, eat, talk, relax, stress with each other...and that no matter how far away the miles stretch between us...we are always close where it matters...in the heart.

I wish Alyssa a safe trip back to Oswego, a joyful reunion with her college friends, and days filled with the warmth of  joy and laughter to carry her through the cold and snow that lie ahead.  She knows that even though she isn't here...she will always be close to us in our minds and hearts.  

"You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you."

~ Frederick Buechner

a quiet winter night

" There is a privacy about it which no other season gives you.... In spring, summer and fall people sort of have an open season on each other; only in the winter, in the country, can you have longer, quiet stretches when you can savor belonging to yourself."

~ Ruth Stout

Throwback Thursday

I have been struggling a little to find my footing with this blog.  Writing every day seems cumbersome...for reader and writer.  But, when I don't post anything, those who have been used to at least a photo every day feel neglected.  So, I finally decided today that I will put a photo up every day...but if I don't have anything meaningful to say I will leave it at that.

Those of you with an iphone and an instagram account have heard of Throwback Thursday...which is basically a photo that is a blast from the past.  So, I thought I would follow along with that theme for today.  This is me and my first boat...umm... I mean car.   I must be early 20's here.  So funny, I almost didn't recognize me when I first unearthed this relic.

I can't even remember that girl.  She seems so long ago and far away.  I think she was hopeful about the future, just beginning to feel independent as if the the world was her oyster. She was idealistic, trusting. sensitive, unsure.  Life didn't turn out as she had planned, in some ways, but in others...she wouldn't trade a thing.  In some ways, now I feel like I have reconnected with her spirit.  I think there are times that I have felt weighed down by life, and I really didn't enjoy it as I should.  There are certainly so many things that go wrong...that it is hard to focus on all that is right.

I raise a glass to her and all she has ahead of her...and I raise a glass to me...and all I have ahead of me.  To Life!!

" I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read and all the friends I want to see."

~John Burroughs

You go girl

This is Michalyn and Alyssa.  They have been friends for about 3 or so years now.  I feel like they became instant friends, the moment that they first sat down to chat.  Like so many of the kid's friends, she has become a part of the family.   At some point, we became Facebook friends, then instagram and maybe Twitter too.  She is one of my biggest fans.  If I put up a photo or status or tweet...I can count on Michalyn to like it.

It always cracked me up last year, that whenever one of Alyssa's friends were featured in my photo of the day,  it was like some kind of honor. They got so excited about it.  I would have thought the opposite...that they would be asking Alyssa why her Mom insisted on plastering their photos all over cyberspace.

This weekend was a long weekend....I had taken Friday off to take my mom to the Dr. and I had Monday off for Martin Luther King Day.  I don't think I actually had time to sit still until sometime last night.  At some point late in the evening on both Saturday and Sunday, I thought of the blog.  If it had been last year, I would have dragged my hind end up to the computer and found some photo to post with a few sentences about it.  But this is different.  A photo...and something else, a story... a thought... I just didn't have it in me.

Sometimes when I sit down to write, I have a thought,   Often times some idea or question has been working on my subconscious all day.  Sometimes I have no idea what I am going to write....until I am staring at a photo and a blank page.  Sometimes I can't type fast enough to capture my thought pattern.  Sometimes I feel like I am pulling the words out of myself.   Nothing seems coherent.  Nothing seems to flow.  So, this past weekend, I was tired and I was pretty sure no one would even notice if I didn't update my blog.  I just didn't have a shred of energy left at the end of the day.

At some point, it must have been Monday, Michalyn texted Alyssa and expressed her concern that there had been no photo or blog published for 2 days straight.  It was partly joking, I know...but all the same...it was encouragement.  Well at least someone is reading it...for some reason.  Someone misses it when it's not here.  Encouragement is such a wonderful thing...it breathes life and purpose into even the most tired of bodies.  I truly appreciated her letting me know that at least she is reading....not sure why, she's a perfectly intelligent young woman, with much more exciting things to do....but it was like hearing the message: "You go girl"  when I really needed it.

As Michalyn starts her second semester at college...I thought I'd throw a little encouragement back her way. I thought I would tell her how proud I am of her......and how proud we Besio's are to have her as our friend. I thought I would remind her  that she is intelligent, witty, caring, focused, talented, enthusiastic, understanding, perceptive.....the list of favorable adjectives is quite long.  I can't imagine anyone that wouldn't stand in line for the chance for her to bestow her friendship upon them.  I know from having daughters around her age....that this time of life can be the best of times and the worst of times...so many decisions to make, so many paths to choose from...and we just don't know where they all lead.

But...that is kind of sappy...so instead I will just say...You go girl!! You got this!! If you should stumble and fall, just get back up...because we've got your back.  We love you, Michalyn!

"A true friend reaches for your hand and touches your heart"

Life Changing

This is Cara's school picture from first grade.  It isn't the best  picture that has ever been taken of her.  I know there is a JCPenney portrait around here somewhere that is better, but it has been a crazy weekend....and tonight, I just wasn't up to the task of searching for it.  Look at her.  She was such a sweet little girl.  I post this picture of her tonight, as she prepares to begin her student teaching tomorrow with a class of first graders.  I just can't believe it.  Where did all the time go...from this little girl to the 21 year old young woman that she is today.

One of the things that we did on this crazy busy weekend was move her to where she will be living.  She will be renting a room with a teacher in a neighboring school district.  The woman is lovely, the neighborhood is lovely.  But it's the first big change in Cara's life since leaving for college. She's become familiar with Plattsburgh, with the campus, with the places she's lived, with roommates and friends.  Now, she finds herself in uncharted territory,  She is in a new locale and not surrounded by the college life atmosphere...but a tiny slice of real life.  Living amongst people of all ages, and taking the first huge step toward her chosen career.

Cara doesn't appear to ever be too flustered by much.  She keeps her emotions under the surface...unlike her younger sister,  But  I know it must feel strange tonight as she begins living and 'working' in new surroundings, with new people and  new and unknown expectations and routines.  I have confidence that she will rise to the occasion.

Change can be so scary...it rips us out of the familiar  into new and undiscovered people and places.  But there is something exciting about it as well.  It is the start of a new chapter.  An opportunity to take a look at your life and reinvent yourself and your life.  It makes me want to change my own old, tired routine in some way, shake it up and make it...and maybe a part of myself... new!

I was posed a question the other day...why are we here? Why am I here?  What is my purpose in being here? I have been thinking about that.  Am I living the life that I want to live? Am I living how I want to live? Am I living a life that honors what I believe? Am I being true to myself...to my beliefs...to my faith?   Is it time for a change? In me? In the way I live life? In my priorities? It is something to reflect upon.  If you have read any of what I have written, you know that I try to value each moment... each day.  We really never know when our normal, our routine, will change...perhaps in small ways....perhaps in drastic ways. I can't help but think, that as Cara has changed forced upon her, perhaps I should force some change into my life.

And I think tonight, that if I can't change anything else about my life...I can change the way that I look at my life.  I can change the way that I look at my circumstances.  In changing the way I look at my reality, my reality will change.  I will start there.  I will start by searching for the positives, the blessings in every situation.   I will find the joys and the laughter and the blessings....and I do believe that by doing so, I will change my life and myself...for the better.

" For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be.  There's no time limit, stop whenever you want.  You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing.  We can make the best or the worst of it.  I  hope you make the best of it.  And I hope you see things that startle you.  I hope you feel things you never felt before.  I hope you meet people with a different point of view.  I hope you live a life you're proud of.  If you find that you're not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again."

~ Eric Roth

A buried treasure

I have had a long day and I am exhausted.  Just when I was about to give up on the blog for tonight, I saw this.  I will keep it short and sweet.

Every day of my life, I am thankful for Arlington School District.  There are many reasons why.  These two people, along with the entire Arlington Music Department is part of the reason.  ...such a gift to my children and all that have been lucky enough to be part of the music program. This is a gold mine, right in our back yard.  Most schools don't have this,  Alyssa was lucky enough to study with both of these talented music educators.  But there are so many more who go un recognized.  I am so grateful to all of them for sharing their talent and musical expertise.  For as long as I live in this district, whether my children are of school age or not...I will always support this music program.

If you are not acquainted with this program, go to some concerts.  You will be amazed at the musical experiences that  are literally right around the corner.  It is truly such a treasure, to some, a buried treasure, that they are not aware of.

Bravo!! So proud to be a member of the Arlington Muisc Community!!

"People haven't always been there for me but music always has"

~ Taylor Swift

Life is short

It struck me today that half of the stuff we worry and stress about is really so unimportant when put in perspective.  If you were to stand back and take a look at your life, and decide which were the most important things in the world to you...I am pretty sure they would be people and the time spent with those people who mean the world to you.  Would it be some stupid situation at work? Would it be the  fact that your car doesn't seem to be running right? Would it be the anemic condition of your bank account?  Would it be your neighbor or co-worker who just annoys the heck out of you?  Would it be the unfairness of your boss?  I don't think so.  In the grand scheme of things...these things will pass away and be forgotten...annoying little details..that wasted our time and depleted of us of our zest for life.

I am not saying that some of these things aren't important in day to day life...and certainly need to be given some consideration.  But they shouldn't demand all of your energy, because in the end, they just don't matter.
What matters is the ones you love, and seeing that sunset, feeling your toes in the sand, sitting on the front porch with a friend, taking your dog for a walk and sharing a laugh or a cry...extending your hand to someone in need...these are things that matter.

I think we just need to develop the ability to let the other stuff roll off and somehow keep sight of what is really important.  I witnessed a couple of people today get themselves all worked up over some stupid situation....and afterwards, I thought to myelf: Is that situation really worth getting so upset about?   I don't think it was...The situation's inertia took over and the people involved got taken along for the ride...and not a pleasant one at that.

A few years ago, I was stressed out about some changes and people at work.  I was talking to a friend and expressing all my anxiety.  She spoke some very wise words.  " Who are they to you? Are they the ones that are most important in the world? Is it the only job in the world? No. This job, these people are nothing to you.  Go home and hug your kids and realize how unimportant this place is".  Wise words...and I have thankfully learned to embrace them.  That doesn't mean that I don't do the best job I can or get anxious over situations from time to time...but I try to keep putting it in perspective for myself.

Life is short.  Tomorrow is not promised.  We have no idea what tomorrow, or even the next hour will bring.  Let all the junk, all the stupid little details of life go.  Let it wash away and hold onto the people and moments that make this life worth living when all is said and done.  SImply put...life is just way too short to spend in misery.  We are the only ones that can change it for ourselves.  Do it today.

"You live longer once you realize that any time spent being unhappy is wasted"

~Ruth E. Renkl

Snow day

You all know by now....that I don't really have an appreciation for winter.  I just try to get through it...one day at a time(64 days til spring, by the way....)  However, I was rooting for this snow storm...because it meant the possibility of a snow day....and I needed one.

I had plans for this snow day.  An extra day to get caught up!!  So when word came early this morning that Alex had no school...and then I had no school.... I snuggled back in bed and dreamed of all I would accomplish today.

It was a beautiful dream....unfortunately not a reality.  But maybe that is what winter has to offer.  Maybe it offers us a little bit of time standing still, some unexpected days where life is cancelled for the day.  Some time to rest and renew....and forget about the to-do list for one day.  What I wanted to do was get all of Christmas packed back up and down into the basement.  What I did get accomplished is....some shoveling, some clearing of the driveway, some winter photo's snapped, extra sleep ( my favorite), time spent in the pursuit of a new recipe, a phone call that I finally got the chance to make, time to sit and chat with my girls, and some photo's put up on facebook that family members have been asking for.

It was my kind of a snowstorm...bad enough to cancel school for the day, but it eased up and roads were cleared fairly quickly...ideal.  Even I have to admit it was beautiful this morning...and all the more beautiful, because I could view it from inside, all cozy and warm.

Tomorrow, the alarm clock will ring at 5:30 a.m. sharp and life will go on at it's usual pace.  But I will be ready for it, because I had the unexpected gift of today...extra time...to rest, to chat, to waste....to use however I chose.  I am grateful for all this day has brought.

"Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and
warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a
talk beside the fire: it is the time for home."

~ Edith Sitwell   

Trying to understand

Alyssa and I have been having some interesting and in depth conversations lately about people and relationships.  I have been thinking about people's relationships and all the drama that can sometimes be created...in the family, in the workplace...pretty much anywhere that people interact.

I love this photo. It was taken this past June, it is Alyssa and her very dear friend Bradley at a friend's graduation party.   If you were to just look at this photo...what is going on here? Are they having a conversation? Or are they silent? Are they close friends? Or not? Are they at peace or at odds?  Sometimes it's hard to tell.  It really all depends on your point of view...on who you are...as to how you percieve what is going on here.  It all goes back to the story of your life.  You draw whatever conclusions you will draw...based on your life, your experiences...   

 Thankfully, I don't think there is ever any drama between Alyssa and Bradley....at least not off stage. I  look at this photo and I concentrate on Alyssa....she is my child.  I will tell you that she has gone through so many changes since this photo was taken.  She was going through so much when this photo was taken.

So much of our interaction with each other is based on assumptions, educated guesses.  We judge other people and situations, based on what we have experienced and what we know of life.  If I've heard it once...I've heard it a thousand times...and I myself have had the same discussions....we try to 'figure' someone out.  We try to understand what drives their behavior.  Sometimes we come close, but often that's all we do....theorize.  We never come up with anything really concrete...and have you ever noticed...that the more people involved in the discussion, the more theories there are?  Let's be honest, oftentimes we don't even understand our own behavior, let alone that of someone else.

I work in a small place....with good people...but people who come from different times and places in life.  I think it is a close knit group...and for the most part, people are there to take care of each other.  I always call it a dysfunctional family...because one thing we are not short on is drama.  It sometimes becomes a vicious cycle...it starts between a couple of people who are misreading each others signals, or misunderstanding peoples words or behavior...and before you know it all sorts of people are sucked into the vortex...and you can barely remember how it started.  

It becomes so complicated.  It is why there are wars between countries.  It is why we just can't seem to get a long with each other.  I feel like a part of it is because we judge our neighbor by our standards, by what is normal for us, by our experiences.  But is that really fair?  Each of us come from different family structures, have differen't experiences that shape us. We have different personalities, different cultural influences, different behaviors.  Is it really fair to judge someone else by the way we do things?   

When someone does something or says something that we don't understand...we immediately, as humans, have the need to make sense of it.  I think it is almost a survival mechanism...a device to protect ourselves from danger.  Immediately, we set about the task of determining what was the motivating factor. Why did he do that? Why did she say that?  We come up with all these scenario's based on our experiences. 

And then what? Maybe we come up with something that is close to being accurate....or so it seems to us. What do we do with that information? Do we use it to cause further drama?  Do we use it to caution other people about this person's behavior? Do we just need to sort it out and make sense of it for ourselves?  Maybe a combination of all of these, but I guess the real question is...do we ever use it to try to come to a better understanding of that person? Do we ever use it as the basis for a healing conversation?  Do we ever use it to try and reach out to that person?  

I wish I could say I am not guilty of any of this.  I wish I could say I always take the high road.  But I think it's something to strive for.  I think that instead of being judge and jury....and then sharing our verdict with anyone who will listen...I think that maybe we should take a step back.  I think that maybe we should consider how we would feel in the same circumstances.  I think that once in awhile..we should keep quiet.  We should make a choice NOT to be part of  the drama.  We should look at our neighbor, coworker, friend...and try to come to a better understanding, a more harmonious existence.  

We are all connected....for better and worse.  I think we need to remember, that none of us are perfect....and as much as humanly possible, treat each person with the dignity and respect that we would like to receive in return.  I think that sometimes we need to make the choice...to let it roll off our back, to give someone a chance....

" Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that.

  Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."

~Martin Luther King

Living for my kids

Tonight we got Chinese take-out for dinner(McDonalds for my picky Alex).  I promised Alyssa that once she could eat again after her wisdom teeth ordeal, I would order chinese.   It is a treat for me...no cooking, no cleaning....time to just sit and do nothing.....which I don't make time for myself to do very often.

I look at this picture of all my babies.  I can't believe...when I take a step back and look at them...how they've grown.  They are, each of them, a miracle.  When I was a new mom, with one little girl, I used to say that if I could have put in my order and planned every detail...I couldn't have done as good a job in creating my baby as God did.  I feel that way about all of my children.  I am always amazed at how unique and different they are from each other. Sometimes that doesn't always seem like a good thing when they are bickering, but I love that they are each unique individuals.  They have each been a challenge to raise...each in their own way.   I feel like I will never be done raising them.  I will always be trying to guide them in the right direction, support them in doing what is right for them.  They will probably commiserate with each other that I am still trying to parent them when they have babies of their own... they will be right.  I have lived life for my kids.  They are everything to me.

I work with a woman who has definite opinions on every subject known to man.  She is very willing to inform of us her views...because she is right about everything.  There is no arguing with her.  Really...all you can do is sit and listen.  I can't help but love her anyway.  One day last week she was lecturing on parenting. She was taking aim at people who said they lived for their kids. She said she lived with her kids, not for them.  I have thought about what she had to say.  That is what I do.  I don't know if it is a strength or a weakness of mine...but I never dismiss anything that is said to me.  I give everything a great deal of thought.

On this particular point, I don't know if I understand what she is saying...but I don't think I can agree with her.  When I was single...I guess you could say I lived for myself.  I lived alone, I had friends, I was focused on my job.  I had no responsibilities.  I really made most of my decisions without having to think about how it affected another human being.  Although, that is not really how I am made...and I am always worried about how things will affect others, often to a fault...still I didn't have to think of someone else with every decision..  When I got married, then there was my spouse to think about.  But on July 16, 1991, at the age of 33, when I gave birth to my first child....everything changed.  From that moment on.....I would never do another thing without thinking of my children.  I have been involved in their lives... I have supported them throughout their schooling, stayed up late working on projects and then lectured about time management. I have been class room mother.  I have helped with fundraisers, I was their youth choir director at church, I have gone on field trips, I have gone on college trips, I have suffered through Boy Scout banquets. I have sold and eaten more girl scout cookies than I care to admit.  I have stepped back when I knew they needed to develop independence.  I have cheered in the audiences of  plays, shows, marching band.  I have encouraged, I have listened to crying, complaining, stories of all sorts.  I have laughed at their jokes and silliness...because they are actually hysterical.  I have stayed up late when they were sick and I was bleary eyed. I have taken too many photos on vacation and every other day.  I have killed myself to make the holidays and birthdays memorable.  I really have cared so much about their happiness and growth and put mine on a back burner. I have done this because their happiness is what makes me happy.   If they are at odds with life or themselves...then so am I. I am not trying to toot my own horn.  Maybe I have been doing it all wrong.  I have NOT simply lived with them.  I have lived for them.  I have lived to raise them into loving, giving, successful adults...and I am sad to say...I am not done yet. I still have work ahead of me.

Maybe I have done it all wrong....but I, honestly, don't know how to do it any other way. I don't understand why you would have children if you wouldn't be willing to sacrifice for them and make them the center of your life.  There will be a day...some day....when they are all living different lives in different places....and although they will always be in my heart, I won't have to consider them with every decision.  But for now....it is my primary duty in life...'to train them up in the way they should go'.

One year at Christmas, I had the name of a long time close friend for our Secret Santa.  He is one of those people....you just don't know what to get him.  This particular year I had a thought.  I passed index cards around and asked everyone to write what they thought about him. I put them all in a little photo album and gave it to him as the last days gifts.  Each entry was different, some funny, some touching.  He joked that he felt he was in some time warp of "It's a wonderful life".  I gave him this gift, because I knew he had no idea how he was valued.  He told me that he was considering taking it to show his mom when they visited over the holidays. I told him to do it...."because no matter how old you are, your mom always wants to know that you are in a place where you are loved and cared for."  I was right.  He was surprised at how his mom read each entry and how much she loved it.

I know lots of great moms out there. ..who live their lives for their kids. I have also met a few that don't.  I am sure there will be many who disagree....but ...maybe, just maybe....if we all lived for our kids...and not just with them...If we gave them all of our attention,time and love....maybem just maybe our world would be a better place to live...maybe...?

" I think when you become a parent you go from being
 the star in the movie of your own life to the supporting
 player in the movie of someone else's"

~ Craig Ferguson

Friends from above

It's so refreshing to reconnect with dear friends.  Tonight we had a lovely evening with dear friends....and it's just so nice to be so relaxed and have such a good time...and not want to leave...even though we don't get to see each other all the time.

I am so thankful for these friends...  I think often of all the circumstances that caused us to meet and become friends.  I sometimes think this friendship was ordained by God and has been planned out since the dawn of time.

After my separation, I was in dire need of extra income...I guess some things never change, but I digress.  I started taking on extra home bound students.  I had one student and my boss asked me one day if I would be willing to take on another.  I asked how many hours...because I was concerned about being out of the house too much, and needing to be there for my kids.  He said it was a couple and I said ok.  I found out later it was more than a couple, but I needed the money and so I said I would do it.

So I went and started seeing this student.  As time went by we started to feel more comfortable around me and we joked...I am sure it started with how much I hated winter....and my countdown to spring...  As time went by we chatted and became friendly and exchanged cheesecakes and such and little by little a friendship bloomed.  I am not sure of the exact moment when it happened.  But we started including each other in family events. We started getting together...both families...and before long...it wasn't just a friendship shared by me and their family...but both of our families together.

We have shared each others joys and sorrows...we have had fun together, we love to eat together, we have joked, we have played games and we have had heart to heart talks.  Every member of our families are an important member.

They had a child with a disability...something extremely difficult to go through. My marriage was ending..something extremely difficult to go through.  We had both been or were in difficult situations...and those situations brought us together...and out of those dark places....we found a bright friendship that sustains us in many ways.  I have always believed that even the darkest clouds have silver linings...but I am always so surprised when I see those glistening silver linings in front me.

It has been a long and exhausting weekend...but I am so glad that it ended with a visit to some of my very favorite people....and dear friends.
               

"We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which  makes it run over. So in a series of kindness there is, at last, one which makes the heart run over."   ~James Boswell

Family Matters!

I can now breathe a sigh of relief!! Christmas is officially over!!  I love the Christmas season...but too much of a good thing isn't always good.  We had our final family Christmas celebration today...and since it was just family...I turned it into a de-decorating party.  I made them work for their dinner.

As you can see, Cara and my nephew Andrew were hysterical over something.  I wish I could explain what it was...but they share a bond....all of the cousins.  They have their own songs and customs and jokes...and frankly, a lot of it just goes over my head.  It warms my heart, even if I don't always understand it.  They have grown up together and they all have a special communication all their own.  I hope that it will always be this way for them.  I hope that as time passes and they each have their own lives...that they stay connected to each other.  I hope that seeing each other becomes a priority...something to be planned and anticipated.  These cousins are a step away from being siblings....they know each other's family, they know every one's stories.  They are part of one another and being with them is like coming home.

I am big on talking to my kids about everything.  They may think it's like preaching or lecturing sometimes.  But I have many thoughts on many issues.  My parents never really talked to me about life.  So, I take every opportunity to talk to my kids about whatever is going on in our lives.  I give them the views that I have developed over the last 50 something years.  They will develop their own views...but I will certainly give them the benefit of my experience.

I talk to them a lot about family.  There are friends that will come and go in your life.  Some will be as close as family some will move in and out in your life.  Family, as imperfect...and annoying as they can sometimes be....will be there.  My girls are such different human beings.  They have sorted through those differences over the years and have become best friends.  In spite of that, they are still sisters and there are times when they get annoyed with each other.  Right now, they are under the same roof, so they are forced to get over it when an issue arises.  But I  tell them....when they get older, and have families of their own, that might be more challenging.  As different as they are, they are going to go about life differently, have different priorities, make different decisions.  They are not always going to understand or agree with the decisions that each other is making.  When it gets sticky is when the decisions involve family plans or priorities.  At those times...when they just don't understand what the other is thinking, there is a question that must be asked.  What is more important...to be right about this issue, to win the discussion....or to have this relationship...this person.... in my life?  The correct answer...is to have this person in my life.  There are times you will have to bite your tongue, there are times when you will have to make concessions.  In the end, it is all worth it to have the relationship with your sister.

My dad died 2 years ago.  He was terminal, and we spent the last week of his life at his bed side watching him go...my 2 brothers and I.  There were times when we discussed his medical condition. There were times we reminisced.  There were times we discussed the arrangements for when he passed.  But there was much time, where we just sat in silence, took turns holding his hand and watched our father die.  As mournful a time as it was, there was also something very special about it.  Our family had grown, we had spouses and children.  But there was something very special and intimate about sitting there with my dad and my two brothers....just us.  We live in different places and have different demands on us...and never get the time to just be together...my brothers and I.  It was a very special time to just be there with them...to send my dad off.

My wish for these cousins is that they always keep each other in their sights.  That time spent with each other is always a priority.  That they change their schedules, make concessions, make plans to stay in touch....because being in touch reconnects them with the story of who they are.  I dearly hope that the answer to the question asked above..... will always be that they need to have each other in their lives...no matter how differently their lives may turn out to be. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have cousins that they call friends.  It is a blessing in this life.  I dearly hope they hold onto each other always, tightly, with both hands.

" This is part of what family is about, not just love.
  It's knowing that your family will be there watching
out for you.  Nothing else will give you that.
Not money.  Not fame.  Not work."

~Mitch Albom, Tuesdays With Morrie

Queen of Idiots

Happy Birthday to my dear friend Pattiann...Queen of Idiots.  You may think that statement somewhat unkind. I will explain, I promise.

Pattiann and I first met when our girls were in dance together and became friends.   Cara and Amanda became best friends and shared the same group of  friends. Alyssa and Abbie, a year apart in age were also close friends.  Over the years, I spent many hours talking with Pattiann outside of dance class, at dance rehearsals and Marching band competitions. I loved talking to Pattiann.  She was always a ray of sunshine, had a zest for life, a sensitive and giving heart and her very own unique way of looking at things.  I came to trust her as a dear friend, as we shared our own growing pains...that of watching our daughters grow.  She became so special to my girls, they came to think of her as a second mom.  I will never forget the tears in both Cara and Pattiann's eyes as they said "Goodbye" before Cara left for college.  The kids have grown up and moved on...darn her for not having a son near Alex's age.  I don't get to see her much these days, but when I do...it always brings a smile to my face.

Tomorrow is her birthday.  I was seeing some Happy Birthday posts on Facebook today and I kept thinking to myself...I know it's not 'til tomorrow.  For years I had Pattiann on speed dial as we always worked together to transport the kids wherever they needed to go.  One year, on January 12, I called her and she answered "Happy Birthday to me".  I had no idea it was her birthday until that moment...but I laughed.... it was so Pattiann.

I mentioned that Pattiann and I were friends while our kids were in marching band. We became exposed to marching band together and got hooked on it that first year. We cheered our kids on as we traveled everywhere there was a competition.  The second year, there was a call for chaperones...and I thought  "why not".  I volunteered.  One day, chatting with Pattiann at the end of Marching Band Practice, I shared with her that I had volunteered to be a chaperone.  "You're an idiot" she said incredulously, " I say that in the kindest way possible, but you're an idiot.".   A few weeks later I was inquiring as to her daughter's availability for a sleepover...on a particularly busy weekend.  She again informed me that I was an idiot for taking on such a task on such a crazy weekend.  "You're an idiot". she said.  "That's two, one more and I make you a shirt that says it",  Suffice it to say...I got the shirt and wore it proudly.

I think it was the following spring, that she asked me one day if I would drive her daughter home because she was tossing her hat in the ring as possible PTA president...for Arlington High School.  I could not believe what I was hearing!!  " I'm an idiot?",  I asked.  "You are the Queen of the Idiots".  Well Pattiann did, in fact,  become PTA president and she earned the very sparkly Queen of Idiots shirt that I made her.

So I am thinking of Pattiann tonight...on the eve of her 50th birthday.  I am thankful for her presence in the world.... and especially in my world.   I am truly a better person for having known her.  She has inspired me in more ways than I could explain.  I am wishing that this year she receives more blessings than her amazing heart can hold..  I am thinking I am going to have to look at my calendar and find a time to reconnect with her soon.  Happy Birthday to my dear friend and Queen of Idiots...Pattiann!!

Angels Unawares

Do you believe in angels? I do.  I believe that they are sent by God to let us know that He hears us...He knows what our struggles are...He knows what we need.  It is a message to have faith and believe.  Today I was visited by 3 angels.  They were beautiful.....and I am renewed in my faith because of them.

Angel #1:
Many people who know me are aware that I am not a housekeeper.  It is something I have always struggled with...and probably always will. My house always looks lived in.  There is always a pile begging to be sorted through, a project to finish, a room or closet to organize.  I am just not a routinized person.  That is not how I am wired...not how I work.  People always refer to bedtime routines, morning routines....not me... I never do anything the same way twice.  I annoy myself.  I am scattered....and I don't think I am necessarily scattered in a bad way.  It's just that there are always a million things going on in my head at once.   People tell me I am creative...and I think my scattered mind that is always thinking about different places and people and perspectives is part of the reason.

Some of you may be remembering Christmas.  You have already put it away and don't really want to think about it for another year.  But Christmas is not over for our family.  The final Christmas celebration is at my house this Saturday.  It's not ideal, but given peoples locations and schedules...this is just how it works out.  Yesterday, as I  was driving home I was trying to psych myself up to get home and not sit down, but just be a whirling dervish until I got some things tidied up.  I walked in the house to see that Alyssa (still suffering from the 4 wisdom teeth she had removed last Friday) had done quite a bit of straightening up for me.  Today I arrived home to the scene above.  She was going through the pantry and throwing out outdated food and was set on organizing it so we could find things better.

Thank You God...for sending her to help me get things in order for this weekend...since you know how I struggle with that.

Angel #2

I am a Special Ed teacher.  I work with students who are very challenged.  After I leave work, I go see some students in their homes who are too medically fragile to go to school with other kids.  I have enjoyed getting to know some of the nurses of one of my students...we usually chat when I first arrive and set up and as I am leaving.  There is one nurse, Lisa, who started following my photo of the day on facebook last year.  She enjoyed the pictures.  She has told me that she would go on just to look for my posts because she found them uplifting. I was explaining to her recently about the blog and how to get to it from facebook.  Today she was telling me how much she had enjoyed reading it and how uplifting she found it.  She is just so adorable...and just something about what she was saying today and how she said it really touched me....and encouraged me.

Thank You God ...for sending her to encourage me and show me that I am beginning to accomplish what I wanted...to be a positive, uplifting part of people's days.

Angel #3

Our family changed churches about 2 1/2 years ago.  I have taken awhile to get my feet wet...I have kind of done it one toe at a time....just taking my time...staying in the background.  But after being asked a few times, I finally decided to join the choir.  Singing in the choir has been the norm in my life from growing up with my mom as the choir director, to singing in college and singing in the choir in my last church.  I am wondering what took me so long to join this one.  I  am still new and just getting to know people. I have particularly enjoyed getting to know the director, Polly, she is fun and adorable and I already love her to death.  She has also connected with me on facebook and found my blog. She has written some very encouraging comments...which has meant a lot.  Tonight  after choir and called me over and asked if she could give me a hug and told me how much she enjoys reading the blog, seeing the photos. I told her I just couldn't believe that people would actually want to read them....which is the truth.   More encouragement.  I walked out into the cold air with a warmed heart.

Thank You God...for sending her to encourage me and show me that I am making a positive difference in some lives.

I am thankful for the three angels who visited me today...and all the many others who visit me throughout the days.  They encourage me, inspire me and motivate me to be the best person I can possibly be.

"Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: 

 for thereby some have entertained angels unawares"

~ Hebrews 13:2

Embarass Yourself Wednesday

One of Alyssa's friends has created an Embarrass Yourself Wednesday on Instagram....a photo sharing app used by smart phones.  So I was thinking about what photo to put up today and I thought....what the heck...I will go along with the Embarrass Yourself Wednesday  theme.

Some of you may know that in a past life I was the youth choir director at my church.  I did that for many years.  One group of girls somewhere along the way decided that they wanted to do more than just sing...they wanted to have dinners and put on shows and go on trips.....and thus the Variety Show was born.  We did it maybe 5 or 6 years.  It was very much driven by the kids...they did skits, dances, singing, lip synching....it was a fun family night.  One thing we did the last couple of years was invite some of the women of the church to be part of a wacky fashion show.  It was an "anything goes" kind of show...anything mismatched in any way or any truly wacky outfit was what we were looking for.  I had to "twist" a few arms...but it was always a fun number.  We always looked for new music as we pranced up in our fashions...kids and women together...

This particular year we had decided to use the song "My Strongest Suit" from the Broadway show "Aida".  If you aren't familiar with that show, now would be the appropriate time to open another tab and go look it up on youtube before proceeding.  This is probably the best link to give you a sense of how the song is performed: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6cwVkR_pjY .

So, I had been thinking about it...and there needed to be a main person...and I decided I would do that (I have a little "ham" in me)...and lip synch it.  What would my fashion be? I woke up one morning with a vision of a dress with tentacle like adornments all over the dress.  I had to find someone who could help me bring this vision to fruition, because a seamstress....I am not! I had asked around to a couple of my friends who could sew...and though they were willing to help had no idea how to go about this...and finally suggested I ask my friend Monica. They also shared with me....that they have no desire to ever get in my head and see the world as I do....as I shared my vision, people just looked at me in a very odd way.

  Now Monica is one of those people that is just involved in everything, heading up PTA's and 15 other committees without breaking a sweat.  So I texted her and after telling her how beautiful and amazing she was asked for a teensy-tiny -little-itty-bitty favor....or something like that.  The short version of the story is that without too much bribery, Monica agreed to do it. I went and got a basic pattern.  Monica looked at it and told me that I would need tons of fabric for this...and then she remembered some donated fabric she had in her basement.  I was convinced there was divine intervention going on here.  We spent  several Saturdays together in her sewing room, talking and she sewed while I cut and pinned...and ... Voila!! The masterpiece was born.  The tentacle dress is how I always referred to it.   We stuffed the tentacles with quilt batting and wire. so we could bend them.  The headpiece was made completely by me with cardboard, extra fabric and of course...extra tentacles...I know, I know....amazing right?  No applause, please!!

When I first brought it home, I put it on and called my kids in.  Cara was 17, Alyssa 14 and Alex was 9.  When they first saw me, they were overcome with sheer horror and embarrassment at the mere anticipation of me wearing this creation in public.  But for me...embarrassing my kids...is like my parental right...and the more they get embarrassed...the further I go.

No one else other than my kids had seen this.  We had practiced the number...but no one really knew what anyone was wearing until that night.  The dress was made with just tentacles at the skirt...and then the extra layers were attached over it.  So when I first started the song, I just had the basic dress on...mildly amusing...but at the end of the number I went out and came back in with the whole ensemble...headpiece and all.  There are obviously some photos and videos taken...and I love watching the looks of surprise, shock and amusement on everyone's face as they saw me come in....Precious!  As for my kids...they just had to deal, and for awhile I was threatening Cara that I  was saving that dress as my "mother of the bride" dress for when she gets married some day.

Thinking about the Variety shows makes me miss that time and place...but especially those people. In a way it was sort of the best of times and the worst of times for me all at once.  As time passed, we left that church.  It was the right decision for us.  We are so happy  where we are now...but there is an ache in my heart for all the wonderful friends that I just never see anymore.  If you are one of those people, reading this...please know how dearly we miss you!!  The people in my new church really have no clue about this side of me, I am not sure they could handle it!!  I have been quite well behaved....which believe it or not...I am capable of doing.  And so I think I have adequately embarassed myself.... for tonight anyway.

Finding Beauty

" A thing of beauty needs no comparison, only an eye to behold it"
                                        ~ Valerie Monroe

It seems that  most days I am on a schedule... from the time I get up, while at work, there is a to-do list running through my head and forever growing longer.  As I go to work, I am preparing for the day;  there is always a huge list forming...as well as errands I need to run later, or calls I need to make; as I leave work, I am thinking about what I need to accomplish at home.  As I left my student's house this afternoon around sunset, I noticed how beautiful the sky was.  I am a sucker for a beautiful sunset. It snapped me out of the to-do list running through my head and made me sit up and pay attention. I was going to pull over and take a photo, but I was in town, there were electric lines and cars and buildings....so I just went home.

  I rarely see a beautiful sunset at my house and I am so envious of the photo's of sunsets that I see people have taken.  I had my camera with me, so I decided to stop by the pond at the end of the road and take a couple of photo's. I love this pond.  I just love water and being by the water.  I could see some of the sunset there...it wasn't quite as brilliant as I had seen it in town, and as I headed in the direction of my house, I couldn't see it at all.  But here at the pond, I could see bits of it beyond the trees.  I just stood there for a moment, looking at this beautiful spot.  It was really beautiful here... it may not have been the sunset that I had seen down the road...but in it's own way...it was just as breathtaking.

Do you ever look at people...and sometimes just see the beauty in them?  I am so weird like that.  Sometimes out of nowhere, I just can't hear what someone is saying...because I just see all their beauty shining through.  At those moments, I am just taken aback at how beautiful people can be....and that there isn't one that is more beautiful than another, each one has their own special brand...that can not be surpassed or compared to anyone else.  I believe in the beauty in people...and despite the fact that we have been hearing about so much evil in the world lately...I believe in the good in people.

I try to make it a conscious decision...to look for the beauty, look for the good....in people, in situations, in places.  It seems that so many are just focusing on the bad and ugly....and let the beauty that is all around us pass by.  I have decided that life is too precious and short to live that way. So I am trying to look for the beauty.  I think when you find the beauty...it changes your outlook.  When you notice it, look for it...then that is what you see and it changes the way you look at people, places, events and it changes how you think about them.  

So tomorrow...and the day after that...I will try not to get so caught up in all the little details...which some day will be so unimportant, and I will look for the beauty.  I will find it and be amazed that it was there all along, I just didn't notice.  I will try to find it wherever I can.  I know there will still be those times...where it catches me unaware...and leaves me breathless.

Today someone inspired me

This is Trina. She is my assistant at work. We have worked together for about 6 years now.  Some days I think she just lives to annoy me.  And some days I just live to annoy her.  We work with some very challenging students.  No one cares more and is more dedicated to their students than Trina, but that is not why she is my photo of the day.

I decided to put up a photo of Trina today because she and I had a conversation at the end of the day today that inspired me.  Trina hasn't had it easy. She has been juggling a bunch of plates with a lot on them.  Like all of us, she has done her best with who she is and what she has been given.  Like all of us, she has made some mistakes along the way....looked for love in all the wrong places, been confused about which way to go.  I am not planning to tell you Trina's story.  First of all it would take way too long, and...Trina's story is not my story to tell.

But Trina has been doing some thinking about life.  She has begun 2013 by making some choices and decisions.....to choose life....to choose joy.  She has decided to approach life with a positive outlook, and leave the negative behind.  She has decided to not encumber herself with the junk that sometimes weighs you down.  She inspired me today.  Because sometimes....it's hard to pull yourself out of the muck and mire of the annoying details of every day life...and choose a better way of living.  I know about all of this.  I know it well.  Trina and I have watched each other treading water, trying to decide which way to go to get to solid ground.....and then stumble on life's path along the way.

I have been thinking about our conversation ever since I left work today.  I am inspired by the choices she is making.  I am inspired by the person she strives to become.  I am inspired by the life she aspires to create.....and I hope that during this year I will be able to help her along her path and inspire her to recommit to her choices....as she is inspiring me to recommit to mine......but that doesn't mean I'll stop annoying her.

Trina, You Go Girl!!

Rise and Shine

I have never been a morning person.  The worst part of most days has always been....and continue to be the struggle to get out of my nice cozy bed.   With that accomplished...I am usually feeling empowered and ready to take on the world.  My morning struggle has become even more of just that.....a struggle.....since Alex has become a tween.....and now teen.

In the summer of 2002, I lamented that I would have to spend the next 16 years getting up at 5:30 in the morning...as I prepared to send my first child off to middle school at a much earlier hour than I was accustomed to.  I was so stressed by this...that I figured out how many years I would have to arise at this ungodly hour....16 years!!  I am in the middle of year 11.  For awhile there, the mornings got easier. The girls got up on their own and I would only need to be cognizant that they were up and moving...and I could delay the actual feet on the floor for a bit.  But last year, Alex entered middle school....and my morning routine became much more difficult, and that my friends is an understatement.

Here he is this morning at around 8:30 a.m. refusing to get up for church...so you can imagine what a normal weekday morning is like...  It is not for the faint of heart...it is a burning and  fiery place.  It is awful and getting myself...and then Alex out of bed and out the door is the worst part of my day, perhaps of anyone's day anywhere!!

 I have gotten Alex a few different variations of alarm clocks, thinking that maybe the whole disagreeable process would become somewhat easier if he wakes himself up, never mind the idea that I am not always going to be present to do the dirty deed (thank God for small miracles).  This year, as I was doing my Christmas shopping, I "googled "obnoxious" alarm clocks.  Alyssa was away at school and we spent one hilarious night that consisted of me sending her links of such alarm clocks...and then the ensuing amusement and discussion about which one would be the most difficult to ignore, causing him the most pain and suffering. with the end goal of getting him out of bed.  In the end, I decided on a laser gun model.  It has a target, and if you hit the target in the dead center the alarm clock will stop...and I reasoned that this would take a bit of alertness and focus.  If you hit anywhere on the target it is like hitting the snooze button.  This would do the trick!! I was pretty proud of myself!!  That boy was going to get up in the morning and I wasn't going to have a breakdown in the process!! Win -win!!

Well, let's just say the joke has been on me.  Alex started off by setting his alarm clock to 5:30 ( he really needs to get up around 6, boys being lower maintenance with morning routines) and "snoozing" it until 6:00. then 6:10 etc.  You get the picture, I still had to get involved and wake him up and deal with the awful attitude, arguments that school is stupid, I am mean etc.  This weekend we had to endure it going off at 5:30 in the morning when no one needed to get up at that hour...and we learned that Alex has already learned to sleep through the darn thing.

So....as you are all; groggily getting up tomorrow, having your nice quiet cup of  coffee and getting ready to start your day, think of me.  I have already been to the battlefield, done battle and am trying to get past the post traumatic stress by telling myself that the day can only get better from there. Rise and Shine!

Thankful for my blessings

I love having all three kids home and under one roof.  As Cara prepares to graduate from college and start real life....I know that these times will become fewer and fewer.  There is something so comforting to me to have all my babies in the same place at the same time.  If there is no bickering, it's even better!  

They are each such miracles to me.  They have each been a challenge to raise, each in their own way....but sometimes I just look at them when they are talking, and I realize that I am not really hearing them...because I am looking at who they are....all the gifts and promise and potential they possess. They are each their own unique person, yet a common thread runs through them...the thread that connects us all.   I am always in awe of them.  Make no mistake, I might feel like eating those words as I struggle to get Alex to bed at a decent hour tonight. But I will look past those unimportant events and realize what blessings I have been given.  I am thankful for them and proud of the people they are growing into.

There will be good times, bad times, nerve wracking times, funny times, sad times, anxious times.  That is what life is made of, I am learning....and I have learned that the bad times help you appreciate the good times even more, and not take them for granted.  If I had it all to do again....I probably wouldn't change a thing...because I can not imagine my life without any of them.  We never know what tomorrow brings. So I will go downstairs and sit with them tonight...and thank God for blessing me with such amazing people as my kids.

"You are the trip I did not take, you are the pearls I could not buy,
 You are my blue Italian lake, You are my piece of foreign sky,

You are my Honolulu moon, you are the book I did not write,
You are my heart's unuttered tune, you are a candle in my night

You are the flower beneath the snow, in my dark sky a bit of blue,
Answering disappointment's blow with "I am happy, I have you!"

~ Anne Campbell

Choosing healing

Alyssa had 4 wisdom teeth removed today and she is having a rough time of it.  Although watching her come out of the anesthesia was mildly entertaining....ok...let me be honest....VERY entertaining!  She is always adorable...and was equally adorable coming out of anesthesia.  She is not so adorable right at the moment.  She has been hurting since we got home and the initial anesthesia began to wear off.  After some decent pain meds and some sleep, she is now attempting to eat and drink a little...and thank God for the cell phone so she can text and not talk.  I think tonight may be a little rough for her.  But I hope that she is able to find relief in the morning.

Alyssa has never, since she was a young babe, been a fan of anything remotely medical, and has done her share of  stressing about this procedure.  It went well, those pesky wisdom teeth will never bother her again...and as time passes she will begin to heal and start becoming herself again.  I have been watching her today and thinking about the healing process.

Alyssa has been through a rough year...emotionally and physically.  I, too, "have been there" and understand what it's like to be in unhealthy and painful situations.  I think the first step is always to just tread water...try to keep ourselves afloat until we can figure out what is going on...what direction should we head in to try and feel better.  Like Alyssa today, at first she was just miserable...paralyzed by the pain and not able to do much else.  But once she got some meds in her and some rest...she has been able to move past the pain a little...it's still there...but she is looking forward, having conversations, taking nutrition, she is able to deal with it and take the steps that she needs to so that she can move in a healthy direction.  This seems so much easier when it's a physical pain....a concrete experience...so much more difficult when the pain can't be touched....when you can't always identify what hurts.....and more importantly...why.

I think about all the people in the world that are in pain, that are struggling and in need of healing.  I see it so often...so many people that are in pain...still treading water...trying to decide which way to swim toward a healthier and happier existence. It's so hard to know...what the cure is...which direction to go.

I don't have the answers.....I wish I did...and unfortunately the answers are different for each person....the cure....different for each person.  I do know this...we can't do anything or get anywhere alone.  We need to be there for each other to help the healing process.  Sometimes it's understanding, sometimes it's love, sometimes it's tough love....   Although much of curing happens from within, I do know...that none of us can find the answers completely alone.  I do believe....that healing, like loving, and believing and reaching out and choosing joy.....is a choice.  I pray that we all choose to move in the direction of healing....and reaching out to help another heal.


"I'll lean on you and you lean on me and we'll be okay."
- Dave Matthews Band

77 days 'til Spring!

It was so cold today!! Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a fan of winter. There is not much about it that I enjoy. I am not a fan of the snow, ice cold or dark. I am not a fan of not being able to get down my driveway, or getting stuck in it. I don't mind a snow day or a delay...especially if I still have power...but that is not always the case.  I will admit that there is something so refreshing about resting or sleeping in a warm home when it is deathly cold outside. I do enjoy the winter Olympics every 4 years....but that is about it as far as I can go in extolling any virtues of  January and February.  I have tried several different strategies to try to make it through the winter,   I often use this time to embark on a procrastinated project (trust me I have too many of those). But it seems like I am always cold and always walking around with my coat on.  I just don't like winter.

I have learned that life goes on...whether I am happy about it or not...whether I want to go on with it or not...and so I try to take it one day at a time.  Many years, this one included, I have started a countdown to spring.  There are 77 days until Spring (March 21st...don't even argue with me about this....that will be the subject of another blog). A voice inside me hears someone scolding me to not wish my life away...and I try not to...but it helps me to deal with the misery that is winter, by breaking it down into understandable units, baby steps....  I reassure myself that spring will actually come, that the trees will bud, that I will smell the fresh spring air, and be able to go for a brisk walk with the dog.  I will rejoice when the count goes down to the 60's and then as it continues to decrease, I will prove to myself that with the passing of each dark, cold day...the number is getting smaller as the light and warmth is getting nearer.  I think there is a word for this...and I think that word is called hope.

I will learn something about myself this winter...just from the very enduring of it.  I will realize anew...that I am stronger than winter, that it can freeze me to the bone, but it can't break my spirit.  With each passing day...I will find a way to find warmth and joy and love despite the cold. I will find ways to inspire myself to find the beauty in each day....even though I don't really see the beauty in the winter.  I will hold the hope that warmer days will come. Each day I will resolve to live the day to it's fullest...and when it is over, I will congratulate myself that I am one day closer to spring.

As I endure winter, as when I endure other difficult times, I will keep the hope in my heart that better days are coming...warmer days. lighter days.  Hope will light my way and keep me warm until then.  77 days 'til Spring!!